Self-discovery

I feel like I am trying to make this effort to be on this journey of self-discovery.  I am reading books, thinking about what I want and how to get it, trying to make peace with the past, and trying to find ways to be a better me.  It's not an easy thing by any means and last week I let stress get the best of me.  Some things have jumped out at me lately:
-Matthew Hussey said "If you are nervous to the point of speechlessness around him, what are you overvaluing about him and undervaluing about yourself?"  How many times do I forget that I put others on pedestals they don't deserve to be on while I forget my own worth?
-I was also reminded of this tonight while I have been texting a guy who doesn't seem to hide the fact that he is interested.  And as my wise friend Julie pointed out, I shouldn't have to guess if a guy is interested or not, I should know.  This guy reminded me tonight "you have all the leverage"  My response was "I do have the leverage don't I?"  I literally forget that I have value and what I have to offer.  I start to put too much emphasis on other people and what they have to offer I forget what I have to offer.
-tonight during boot camp we worked out outside.  We skipped for 3 mins. and I felt like such a kid again I giggled most of the time.  Then when we were doing a Pilates bridge we were on our backs on our mats and had to hold a medicine ball up with our thighs for two mins. We all were laying there and one girl said "wow this is so relaxing" and I completely agreed.  I had already been staring at the sky thinking I was speechless. I forgot how awesome just looking up at the sky was and how little it made me feel.  There is something about staring at the sky that made everything else, all the worries and stress just disappear.  It was an awesome moment.  I can't remember the last time I just looked up at the sky.      It was easily the best workout so far.  It didn't feel like a workout. When she told us it was time to stretch we all said "wait, that's it?" We all felt refreshed.  It was so cool.  We all agreed we were happy we had our little group of 3 and we all click so well.
-Probably one of the biggest things I am working on is forgiving myself.  I feel like I say or do some stupid crap. A lot.  So when I do I tend to dwell on it and beat myself up.  I am trying to let myself say "ok you said it, don't say it again, move on" and forget it.  I don't remember stupid stuff other people say so why do I think other people dwell on my bad moments instead of my good ones?
- I have found some great quotes lately.  "I have reached a point in my life where I feel it is no longer necessary to try to impress anyone.  If they like me the way I am, good. And if they don't its their loss."  Need to live by this because too often I worry what others think, but I am getting over it.
-"you have to be willing to get happy about nothing."  This weekend I rediscovered the joy in some little things, like meeting a friend for breakfast and running at Stephens Lake.  I am so grateful for such amazing friends.
-"Be positive, patient, and persistent."
-and possibly my favorite quote I stumbled on this week "the highest form of human intelligence is to observe yourself without judgement."

Owning it

So let's talk boot camp.  I am halfway through it.  It is a love/hate relationship.  Today I loved every minute.  Today we did upper body, core, our usual mile run, intervals, and suicide runs.  The two other girls always run the mile slightly faster than me but I can rock some planks and push ups.  I loooove doing strength workouts and today focused on strength.  Then when the other two girls took of at a dead sprint during suicide runs I thought "yeah, ok good luck keeping that up for 5 go rounds."  Sure enough I didn't come in last.  We did front planks, reverse planks, and side planks for a minute each.  Nailed it.

Last week was another story.  Last week I may have had an out of body experience after we ran a mile, did an obstacle course for fifteen minutes and then had to run another mile.  That last mile on the treadmill I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it.  Judging by the look of pity a guy on the elliptical gave me I think he also was wondering how I was going to get through it.

And if there are burpees involved then I am cursing life.  I. Hate. Burpees.  I would like to smack whoever decided "hey, let's throw our hands up in the air, jump, then hit the ground, kick our legs back then bounce them back up to our chest then hop back up in the air again! And sometimes add an eight pound medicine ball if you aren't having a hard enough time breathing!" Really burpee creator, was all that really necessary?  What is wrong with good old jumping jacks or mountain climbers?  Well, in boot camp nothing is wrong with them cause we do those too.  The great thing is it changes every time so I never know what to expect.  Which is probably good.  If I knew the torture I was about to endure there are some nights chances are high I would not make it. I actually really enjoy the first mile we run, it gives me a chance to zone out.  I have only gone twice a week for three weeks but it truly is amazing the difference in stamina I can already see. On rare nights, like tonight, I own it and leave saying "is that all you got?"  However, come Wednesday night I am sure I will be hating life for that hour once again.