Fair warning: Long post with raw thoughts below. Even went to the gym tonight and it didn't clear my head so blog post it is. There are days lately when I just feel not so great and I have to stop and figure out why. I have to sit down and analyze what little thing triggered me feeling down so I can tell myself it isn't worth it. It usually isn't the trigger itself but whatever it represents that really bothers me. Like seeing such and such reminds me I'll never be/have/do such and such. And it is usually something so small and will be irrelevant a few days later. Life is so strange when you really stop and think about it. It is basically making a series of memories, hopefully more good than bad, combined with looking forward to the memories you have yet to make. In between is all the mundane things like going to the dentist or getting new tires. Some seemingly mundane events can be parts of good memories of course since you may associate something as simple as going for pizza or Taco Bell with someone and having a blast. I have written down a lot of things I never wanted to forget and I used to go back and re-read it but now sometimes it's harder to do that. I would rather not remember good times if I can't look forward to similar good times with that person. That's where some sadness comes in, when you have great memories but you realize you won't be making anymore. At least none as great as the ones you had. And in the moment it seems impossible to imagine making such great memories with someone else. Sometimes making a new memory with someone else is so hard anyways because you can't help but compare it to the others. My brain chooses to hold onto every little thing that people important to me say or do but I can't quote lines from my favorite movies. (except some great lines from Sweet Home Alabama) Not sure why my brain has to work like that really, just lucky I guess (insert sarcastic tone here). So anyways, I guess my point is the memories that once brought so much happiness can later do the opposite. Seems like one person in a relationship has to be the one that cares more, and from getting a divorce I can say it is easier to not be that person. Being the one that cares more is a vulnerable place to be in. A friend told me today "I don't understand how someone you cared so much about can just walk away and it doesn't seem to affect them, meanwhile I can't stop thinking about them." I like to think there will be a "oh that is why that happened" life lesson somewhere down the road for him but it sucks none-the-less. We talked about how much easier it would be to just have an on/off switch for feelings. If I could come up with a pill for supressing emotions I think I would be pretty darn rich. If it happened to surpress appetite at the same time that probably wouldn't be so bad for the bank account either. So I don't know, just my thoughts and things on my mind...maybe I need to up my happy pill dosage? You think? I will have to read the quote above more often I think.
